I’ve read a bunch of self-help books recently. In another post, I highlighted some issues with self-help content. Self-help books have a low signal-to-noise ratio – books going over the same simple idea over and over, spreading over 200+ pages. This post should be read as a recommendation post. I’ve tried to summarize a few ideas that I really liked and want to integrate into my life (in progress). If you find the idea of use, I suggest reading the relevant chapters from the book.
Growth Mindset (Mindset by Carol Dweck)
Growth mindset is the belief that abilities can be improved through effort and hard work. The opposite of this is a fixed mindset, where the belief is that abilities are more or less fixed. There is little scope for improvements. In a fixed mindset, we believe that people who are great at a skill have always been great at them. It comes naturally to them. Think of things you feel you can’t do even if you try. Can you learn to sing well? Can you play a particular sport well? Can you become funnier? Can you become more social? Can you become better at a new subject? Can you master an instrument? Limiting beliefs are a result of a fixed mindset.
What mindset we have depends a lot on how we grew up. If one was told that they are smart, then the moment they struggle with a new subject, they would want to quit because smartness means it should come easy. Instead, if one was told that they are hard-working, then they would see the struggle as a part of becoming good at the new subject.
I, for one, know that I’ve always had a fixed mindset. There are things I am good at, and then there are things I can not even think I can do. “That’s not me”, “I can’t do that”. The moment I would struggle with a new thing, I would quit. However, having a growth mindset is empowering. Reading this book won’t suddenly change your mindset but will definitely make you reflect on it.
Hierarchical Goals (Grit by Angela Duckworth)
Goals are hierarchical. When we sit down to think of things we have to do today or this week, we are looking at lower-level goals. Examples include reading a book, going to the gym, talking to someone, and finishing the assignment. This is the default level at which we think. Having a higher-level goal is like having a direction. You can use the compass of higher-level goals to decide which steps to take. A higher level goal could be improving fitness. Then you can unroll that higher-level goal into smaller day-to-day tasks – going for a walk (aligned), registering for a gym (aligned), drinking soft drinks (not-aligned).
Another higher-level goal could be becoming better at the job. That translates to these tasks on a day-to-day level – asking for more work (aligned) and taking online courses to increase knowledge (aligned). The author talks about the importance of having only a few highest-level goals because (i) we have limited time and energy, so without prioritizing we won’t achieve any of the goals (ii) having multiple higher-level goals can cause alignment conflict. If becoming fit and becoming social are both your highest-level goals, then “going out to drink” would be aligned with one goal but conflicting with the other.
Limiting Beliefs (The Courage To Be Disliked)
This book provides a radical way of looking at the beliefs we hold about the world. It will make you introspect how the incidents of the past are still affecting you in the present and that they don’t necessarily have to. At present, we have the power to change the patterns. Quoting directly from the book
No experience is in itself a cause of our success or failure. We do not suffer from the shock of our experiences—the so-called trauma—but instead we make out of them whatever suits our purposes. We are not determined by our experiences, but the meaning we give them is self-determining.
According to the book, if a negative experience is holding you back, then it must be serving some other purpose in your life – may be giving you a sense of superiority for having experienced that misfortune. The reason we dislike ourselves? Because we are overly afraid of being disliked by others and getting hurt, so it’s a way for us to protect ourselves.
Progress-centric instead of productivity-centric (So Good They Can’t Ignore You by Cal Newport)
For most people, including me, productivity is synonymous with progress. Being productive makes us feel good about ourselves and gives us a sense of moving ahead. But on closer inspection, productivity is just a proxy for progress. Being productive is a shallower/easier goal. Replying to emails is productive, reading books is productive, and cleaning your house is productive. You can make a to-do list for the day and finish it to feel very productive. Sampling from a bunch of productive tasks and doing them for short intervals is productive but not progress. Progress requires having a higher-level goal and then working on things that are aligned to the higher-level goal. Investing more time and doing the same thing repetitively to improve your skill. That is progress.
Life is ultimately a trade-off (Article by Mark Mannson)
The last recommendation is not a book but an article that we can’t have it all. At every step, it comes down to choosing, and whenever a choice is involved, that means there are options you won’t take (closed paths). Our minds are great at imagining all different futures starting from now, but at every cross-road, only one of the paths will unfold (and be the reality). In fact, in our minds, the future appears to be the sum total of possible futures – that we have an awesome job and we are progressing quickly AND we have a lot of friends AND we enjoy wonderful vacations AND we have a lot of time to give to family AND we are a perfect parent AND … etc.Most of the things in life, we can only choose one or a few (ruling out other prospective ones) – we will hold a few jobs, we will make a few close friends, we would marry a single person.