Boundaries refer to words, actions, or situations that are utterly unacceptable to us. We all have a rough idea of our boundaries, though we may not use the word boundary explicitly when we think about them. Boundaries exist in every aspect of our day-to-day life -- how we let our friends or partners treat us, how we interact with strangers, how we spend our time, how we operate at work etc. We will hate it if a friend or a partner shouts at us. That's an example of a boundary in relationships. Similarly, we would hate it if we were asked to work on weekends. That's an example of a boundary at work.
So what happens when boundaries are crossed? We feel hurt, angry, and violated. And out of this emotional response, we shout back, resent them, have an argument, sulk, or give the silent treatment. Time passes, and you calm down, forget about it, and things return to normal until the next time it happens again. We've all experienced this.
We usually forget to make a plan to avoid such a hurt from happening again in the future. That is why we need some IF-THEN rules in our life for boundary setting. The IF(s) stand for what things are unacceptable to us. For example -
I strongly dislike when someone makes me wait for a plan.
I strongly dislike if someone raises their voice when they talk to me.
I strongly dislike when ….
(If you are unsure of your boundaries, think back to when you had an emotional reaction of the above kind and what action made you feel that way. Boundaries are discovered when they are violated)
But we don't stop at just the IF. We need to set THEN rules too. THEN stands for the action we will take when the IF happens. The THEN action needs to be thought about carefully. The general idea is that by carrying out this action, you want to prevent the negative emotional response and distance yourself from the situation before it worsens. Boundaries are for you to protect yourself and not to punish others.
What does boundary-setting look like in practice? Let's look at one example.
IF "someone makes me wait for a plan," THEN "I'll get angry with them" is a bad boundary.
IF "someone makes me wait for a plan," THEN "I'll leave the plan and do something else" is an okay boundary.
Setting an okay boundary is not enough. We need to set good boundaries. The following points will make the boundary better.
Boundaries should be set when you are in a neutral emotional state. If someone is an hour late to a plan, I have the urge to set a very strict boundary: I won't allow others to be even 10 mins late. But even I know that that is not practical. There's traffic, time to get ready, and I could also be late sometimes.
Precise - The IF and THEN part of the boundary needs to be precise. IF "someone makes me wait for a plan" is a vague statement. Instead, I can set something like IF "someone makes me wait 30 mins for a plan without prior communication about why they will be late" as the better boundary.
Low - The most crucial part of this process is to set a boundary that you'll actually be able to carry out the consequence of (boundaries you don't follow are no boundaries at all). Carrying out the THEN part can be tough. For this reason, I suggest setting a low bar for the IF part. Personally speaking, if someone is 30 mins late to a plan, I won't be able to leave the place and go home, so I set the boundary to 1 hr. If someone is an hour late, I'll feel okay leaving the plan altogether. I know my boundaries are stronger than this, but I am not used to carrying out the THEN part. Also, failing to carry out a boundary can give you a feeling of guilt and disgust with yourself, so it's better to set the bar low and iteratively set stricter boundaries once you are confident to carry out the THEN.
After incorporating these suggestions, the boundary finally looks like this -
IF "someone makes me wait for 1 hr without prior communication about why they will be late," THEN "I'll leave the plan and go ahead with the rest of my day."
Once the boundary is set, it's important to stick to it without letting your instantaneous emotions interfere. Remember that you set boundaries (i) to prevent yourself from feeling hurt and violated and (ii) to reduce the emotional dilemma you feel about what to do next. That means you can't negotiate with yourself when a boundary is violated. You can't make an excuse for a particular situation or person. You can't talk yourself out of them. You need to practice carrying out the boundary. That is how they strengthen. For this, I suggest imagining scenarios in your head where the boundary is violated, and you are carrying out the consequence.
That's it. Happy boundary setting :)
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Credits - Anushikha for this discussion