The author starts by describing a syndrome he calls the Nice Guy syndrome. It’s a collection of behaviour and thought process that a lot of guys possess.
Concerned about looking good and doing things “right” (Wanting to be liked)
They are happiest when they make others happy
Avoid conflict and go to great lengths to avoid upsetting anyone
Especially concerned about pleasing women and being different than other men
In a nutshell Nice Guys believe that if they are good, giving and caring in return they will be happy, loved and fulfilled.
Chapter 1
Some examples of thoughts process
I do a lot more than most guys. It seems like I’m always giving so much more than I get.
Greatest joy in life is to make other people happy
He is a great listener. Likes feeling needed. The female friends constantly tell him what a great “catch” he is.
The word “no” just isn’t in his vocabulary
Avoid bringing up subjects that he knows will make the wife angry.
Always the first one to apologise
Spends every moment trying to figure out how to get out of the relationship without hurting his girlfriend or looking life a jerk
In order to be “good” and “right”, Nice Guys
hide their mistakes, needs or emotions.
become what they believe others want them to be (generous, helpful, peaceful)
Characteristics of Nice Guys (repetition of above)
Givers. It makes them feel good to give to others. They believe that their generosity will make other people love and appreciate them.
Fix and caretake. If a person has a problem, has a need, is angry, depressed or sad, Nice guy will try to solve the problem.
Seek approval from others. Especially true in relationship to women
Avoid conflict.
Hide their perceived flaws and mistakes. These men are afraid others will leave them, get mad at them if some shortcoming is exposed.
Seek the “right” way to do things. If they figure out the “right” way to do things, nothing will ever go wrong.
Repress their feelings. They tend to analyze than feel.
More comfortable relating to women than men.
Difficulty making their needs a priority.
Make their partner their emotional center.
Negative traits of Nice Guys
Dishonest. Hide their mistakes, true feelings, say what people want to hear.
Secretive.
Compartmentalized. Harmonizing contradictory pieces of information about themselves by separating them into individual compartments in their mind.
Manipulative.
Controlling.
Give to get.
Passive-aggressive. Tend to express their frustration and resentment in indirect, roundabout, and not so nice ways.
Full of rage. Deep rooted frustration and resentment.
Addictive. Addictive behaviour serves the purpose of reliving stress, altering mood or medicating pain.
Difficulty setting boundaries. Have a hard time saying “no”
Isolated.
Often attracted to people and situation that need fixing.
Issues with sexuality.
Only relatively successful. Fail to live upto their potential.
Chapter 2
The premise of this book is that during their formative years, all Nice Guys received messages from their families and the world around them that it was not safe, acceptable, or desirable for them to be who they were, just as they were.
For instance, a child who is feeling lonely may misbehave in a way that is sure to attract his parent's attention in a negative way. Even though it may seem illogical for a child to do something that invites painful or negative attention, the consequences of the behavior may not feel as bad as feeling lonely or isolated.
Alan prided himself on having never caused his mother a moment's pain. As a child, he performed well in sports and school. He believed that these things set him apart from his siblings and made his mother proud. Alan was the first person in his family to get a college degree, another factor he believed made him special.
As an adult, Jason tried to live up to the image of perfection portrayed by his parents. Everything he did was calculated to look good: he looked like a good husband, a good father, a good Christian, and a good professional. In spite of all his efforts, he always felt inadequate and defective compared to his parents.
A successful business consultant, Jose was afraid of intimate relationships. Jose was highly educated and had a stressful, high-powered career. He was physically active and his idea of recreation was taking a hundred-mile bike ride or climbing a mountain. He repressed his anger and tried to never say anything that would upset anyone. He saw himself as controlling and acknowledged that his drug of choice was "recognition”.
Exercise - Write down the messages you received at your home while growing up that seemed to imply that it wasn’t OK for you to be who you were, just as you were.
Chapter 3
Just about everything a Nice Guy does is consciously or unconsciously calculated to gain someone's approval or to avoid disapproval. Nice Guys seek this external validation in just about every relationship and social situation, even from strangers and people they don't like.
Because Nice Guys do not believe they are OK just as they are, they find a multitude of ways to convince themselves and others that they are lovable and desirable. They may focus on something about themselves (physical appearance, talent, intellect), something they do (act nice, dance well, work hard), or even something external to themselves (attractive wife, cute child, nice car) in order to get value and win other's approval.
My word for these value-seeking mechanisms is attachments. Nice Guys attach their identity and worth to these things and use them to convince themselves and others that they are valuable. Without these attachments, Nice Guys don't know what else about themselves would make anyone like or love them.
Exercise - Note any of the ways in which you seek approval. Add to the list any behaviors that are uniquely you. Write down examples of each. Ask others for feedback about the ways in which they see you seeking approval.
Nice Guys seek external validation in just about every social situation, but their quest for approval is the most pronounced in their relationships with women. Nice Guys interpret a woman's approval as the ultimate validation of their worth. Signs of a woman's approval can take the form of her desire to have sex, flirtatious behavior, a smile, a touch, or attentiveness.
The possibility of availability extends beyond just sex. Since Nice Guys have been conditioned by their families and society to never do anything to upset a woman, they are hyper-vigilant in responding to the moods and desires of women they don't even plan on having sex with.
Seeking women's approval gives women the power to set the tone of the relationship. Nice Guys constantly report that their own moods are often tied to the moods of their partner. If she is happy and doing OK, so is he. If she is angry, depressed, or stressed, he will feel anxious until she is fixed. This connection runs so deep that many Nice Guys have told me that they feel guilty if they are in a good mood when their partner is not.
Seeking women's approval gives women the power to define men and determine their worth. If a woman says he is "wrong" or thinks he is a "jerk," a Nice Guy will be inclined to believe she is right. Even if the Nice Guy argues with the woman's evaluation, at some level he knows that since she is the woman, she must be right.
Seeking women's approval creates rage toward women. Though most Nice Guys claim to "love" women, the truth is, most of these men have tremendous rage toward women. This is because we tend to eventually despise whatever we make into our god.
Exercise - If you were not concerned with getting the approval of women, how would your relationships with the opposite sex be different?
Nice Guys believe they must hide or distract attention from any perceived shortcoming . . .
If they forget something.
If they are late.
If they break something.
If they don't understand something.
If they do something wrong.
If they are depressed.
If they are in pain.
If they generally mess up.
Exercise - Write down examples of situations where you have tried to hide or distract attention from any perceived flaws.
Nice Guys find many creative ways to cover up their perceived flaws and mistakes. These include:
Lying. Tell lies, partial truth, and omit information they believe will prevent someone from focusing on them in negative way.
Drawing on their account. If he does most things right, no one should ever notice the few things he does wrong.
Fixing. Nice guys try to fix the situation by doing whatever it takes to get the other person to stop being upset.
DEER response. Defend Explain Excuse Rationalize.
Turning the tables. Blame shifting, deflection
Walls. Nice guys build walls that prevent someone from getting too close. Walls include addictions, humor, sarcasm, intellectualism, perfectionism.
Teflon Men. Nice Guys have a difficult time comprehending that in general, people are not drawn to perfection in others. People are drawn to shared interests, shared problems, and an individual's life energy. Humans connect with humans. Hiding one's humanity and trying to project an image of perfection makes a person vague, slippery, lifeless, and uninteresting. I often refer to Nice Guys as Teflon Men.
Exercise - Go back to the list of approval-seeking behaviors at the beginning of this chapter. Choose one of the ways you try to get external validation and do one of the following:
1) Go on a moratorium from this behavior. Set a period of time to stop doing it. Tell the people around you what you are doing. If you slip, tell a safe person about it. Use the slip as information about why, in that particular moment, you felt the need to get external approval.
2) Consciously do more of this behavior. This may not make logical sense, but it is a powerful way to explore any dysfunctional behavior. Observe how you feel when you consciously try harder to get external validation.
When the Nice Guy does something good for himself he is doing something that implies he is valuable.
This will conflict with his deeply held belief that he is worthless. As a result, he will experience dissonance — a clashing of two competing messages. In time, one of the beliefs will win. I encourage recovering Nice Guys to keep being good to themselves, no matter how frightening. In time the core messages from childhood are replaced with new, more accurate beliefs that reflect their inherent worth.
Exercise - Begin with the list above and add good things that you can do for yourself. Put the list up where you will see it and choose at least one thing per day and do it for yourself. (self-care)
Spending extended time alone is an important process in recovering from the Nice Guy Syndrome.
When alone, the recovering Nice Guy can do what he wants without having to please or compromise. He will go to bed and get up when he wants. He will decide when and what to eat. He will decide where he goes and what he does. When alone he will be less likely to caretake, seek approval, sacrifice self, or try to fix someone's problems.
Spending extended periods of time alone also helps recovering Nice Guys face their number one fear —loneliness and isolation. When the Nice Guy discovers that spending time alone doesn't kill him, he may also realize that he doesn't have to stay in bad relationships, tolerate intolerable behavior, or manipulate people to try to get his needs met.
This time alone is spent most effectively when the Nice Guy can observe his tendency to distract himself with addictive patterns such as keeping busy, or using sex, food, or alcohol to medicate. Writing in a journal during these times can be especially effective.
Once trust has been established, he can begin to reveal things about himself that create fear and shame. I have watched many Nice Guys go from being secretive and evasive to revealing their deepest, darkest secrets in the presence of safe people.
Chapter 4
Exercise - Do you believe it is OK for you to have needs? Do you believe people want to help you meet your needs? Do you believe this world is a place of abundance?
All Nice Guys are faced with a dilemma: How can they keep the fact that they have needs hidden, yet still create situations in which they have some hope of getting their needs met?
In order to accomplish this seemingly impossible goal, Nice Guys utilize covert contracts. These unconscious, unspoken agreements are the primary way that Nice Guys interact with the world around them.
1) I will do this ______________ (fill in the blank) for you, so that
2) You will do this ______________ (fill in the blank) for me.
3) We will both act as if we have no awareness of this contract.
Exercise - Identify at least one covert contract between you and a significant other. What do you give? What do you expect in return? Share this information with the other person.
One of the most common ways Nice Guys use covert contracts to try to meet their needs is through caretaking. Nice Guys believe their caretaking is fundamentally loving and is one of the things that makes them good people. In reality, caretaking has nothing to do with being loving or good. Caretaking is an immature and indirect attempt to try to get one's needs met.
Caretaking always consists of two parts:
1) Focusing on another's problems, needs, or feelings in order to
2) Feel valuable, get one's own needs met, or to avoid dealing with one's own problems or feelings.
Caretaking
1) Gives to others what the giver needs to give.
2) Comes from a place of emptiness within the giver.
3) Always has unconscious strings attached.
Caring
1) Gives to others what the receiver needs.
2) Comes from a place of abundance within the giver.
3) Has no strings attached.
Nice Guys give in the ways they would like others to give to them.
They will encourage their partner to take a day off, buy a new outfit, go to the doctor, take a trip, quit a job, go back to school — yet would not give themselves permission to do any of the same things.
Exercise - Identify two or three examples of your caretaking behavior. In order to stimulate awareness of your caretaking, do one of the following for a period of one week:
1) Go on a caretaking moratorium. Because Nice Guys have a difficult time differentiating between caring and caretaking, stop giving completely (except to young, dependent children). Tell people what you are doing so they won't be confused. Observe your feelings and other people's reactions.
2) Consciously try to caretake more than you already do. As odd as this assignment may sound, it is a very effective way to create awareness of your caretaking behavior. Pay attention to how you feel and how other people react to you.
Giving to get creates a cycle of craziness called the victim triangle. The victim triangle consists of three predictable sequences:
1) The Nice Guy gives to others hoping to get something in return.
2) When it doesn't seem that he is getting as much as he gives or he isn't getting what he expected, he feels frustrated and resentful. Remember, the Nice Guy is the one keeping score and he isn't totally objective.
3) When this frustration and resentment builds up long enough, it spills out in the form of rage attacks, passive-aggressive behavior, pouting, tantrums, withdrawing, shaming, criticizing, blaming, even physical abuse. Once the cycle has been completed, it usually just begins all over again.
Making the decision to put the self first is the hardest part. Actually doing it is relatively easy. When the Nice Guy puts himself first there is only one voice to consider — his own. Decisions are now made by one individual, rather than by a committee. He no longer has to mind read, predict, or try to please multiple voices with conflicting agendas. When putting himself first all the information he needs to make a decision is within him: "Is this what I want? Yes. Then that's what I'll do.
Exercise - Make a decision to put yourself first for a weekend or even a whole week. Tell the people around you what you are doing. Ask a friend to support you and encourage you in this process. Pay attention to your initial anxiety. Pay attention to your tendency to revert to old patterns. At the end of the time period, ask the people around you what it was like for them when you put yourself first. Remember, you don't have to do it perfectly. Just do it.
Chapter 5
In spite of the fact that we live in a chaotic, unpredictable world, Nice Guys are not only convinced that life can be smooth, they believe it should be.
In attempt to cope with the uncertainty of their chaotic childhood, Nice Guys developed a belief system that if they could just do everything right, then everything would go right in their lives.
I define personal power as a state of mind in which a person is confident he can handle whatever may come. This kind of power not only successfully deals with problems, challenges and adversity, it actually welcomes them, meets them head on, and is thankful for them. Personal power isn't the absence of fear. Even the most powerful people have fear. Personal power is the result of feeling fear, but not giving in to the fear.
I frequently hear Nice Guys rationalize the withholding of their feelings by claiming they don't want to hurt anyone. The truth is they are covering their own butts. What they are really saying is that they don't want to do anything that might recreate their childhood experiences. They're really not trying to protect anyone from harm, they're just trying to keep their world smooth and under control.
For Nice Guys, fear is recorded at the cellular level. It is a memory of every seemingly life-threatening experience they ever had. It was born of a time of absolute dependency and helplessness.
Because of the memory fear created in childhood, Nice Guys still approach the world as if it is dangerous and overpowering. To cope with these realities, Nice Guys typically hunker down and play it safe.
As a consequence of playing it safe, Nice Guys experience a lot of needless suffering.
Suffering because they avoid new situations.
Suffering because they stay with the familiar.
Suffering because they procrastinate, avoid, and fail to finish what they start. Suffering because they make a bad situation worse by doing more of what has never worked in the past.
Suffering because they expend so much energy trying to control the uncontrollable.
Exercise - List one fear that has been controlling your life. Once you decide to confront the fear, begin repeating to yourself, "I can handle it. No matter what happens, I will handle it." Keep repeating this mantra until you take action and stop feeling fear.
Telling the truth is not a magic formula for having a smooth life. But living a life of integrity is actually easier than living one built around deceit and distortion.
Developing integrity is an essential part of recovery from the Nice Guy Syndrome.
My definition of integrity is "deciding what feels right and doing it.”
Exercise - Choose one area in which you have been out of integrity. Identify your fear that keeps you from telling the truth or doing the right thing. Reveal this situation to a safe person. Then go and tell the truth or do what you have to do to make the situation right. Tell yourself you can handle it. Since telling the truth may create a crisis for you or others, have faith that everyone involved will survive this crisis.
Exercise - Before you can start setting boundaries, you have to become aware of how much you back up from your line to avoid conflict or to keep the peace. For the next week, observe yourself. Do you say "yes" when you would rather say "no"? Do you agree to do something to avoid conflict? Do you avoid doing something because someone might get upset at you? Do you tolerate an intolerable situation, hoping that it will just go away? Write these observations down and share them with a safe person.
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
The enmeshing Nice Guy makes his partner his emotional center. His world revolves around her. She is more important than his work, his buddies, his hobbies. He will do whatever it takes to make her happy.
I sometimes refer to enmeshing Nice Guys as table dogs. They are like little dogs who hover beneath the table just in case a scrap happens to fall their way. Enmeshing Nice Guys do this same hovering routine around their partner just in case she happens to drop him a scrap of sexual interest, a scrap of her time, a scrap of a good mood, or a scrap of her attention. Even though they are settling for the leftovers that fall from the table, enmeshing Nice Guys think they are getting something really good.
The avoider can be a little tougher to get a handle on. The avoiding Nice Guy seems to put his job, hobby, parents, and everything else before his primary relationship.
This is the only way to have a healthy relationship. No one really wants to believe that they have to be false or hide who they really are to get someone to love them or stay with them. Yet, this is a common dynamic in the intimate relationships Nice Guys create.
To help Nice Guys decide if they need to set a boundary with a particular behavior, I have them apply the Second Date Rule. Using the second date rule, Nice Guys ask themselves, "If this behavior had occurred on the second date, would there have been a third?" This question helps them see if they have been putting up with something that they shouldn't.
Exercise - Are there any areas in your personal relationships in which you avoid setting appropriate boundaries? Do you:
Tolerate intolerable behavior.
Avoid dealing with a situation because it might cause conflict.
Not ask for what you want.
Sacrifice yourself to keep the peace.
Here is the irony for Nice Guys: Nice Guys like the idea of a smooth and problem-free relationship.
Typically, if their partner is unhappy, depressed, angry, or having a problem, they will jump right in and try and fix it or make it better. They believe that by doing so, they will make the problem go away and everything will quickly get back to normal. Unfortunately, this is like giving a dog a treat for pissing on the carpet. Every time a Nice Guy responds to or pays attention to a behavior he would like to eliminate, he is actually reinforcing that very behavior. This reinforcement increases the likelihood that that behavior will occur again.
Chapter 8
I refer to this common Nice Guy behavior as "flirting without fucking." As long as the Nice Guy doesn't put his penis in a vagina, he can exchange all kinds of sexual energy yet convince himself he hasn't really had sex or hasn't done anything wrong.
It is not unusual for Nice Guys to pride themselves on being good lovers. Being a good lover can be an attachment these men use to feel valuable. It can be a way to convince themselves they are different from other men. It can also be a very effective mechanism for allowing them to have sex while staying distracted from their internalized shame and fear.
When a boy reaches adolescence, he must begin negotiating the turbulent seas of learning to relate to the opposite sex. If he is to have any hope of securing a girlfriend and someday having sex, he must figure out what it takes to get a female to notice him and approve of him. For some boys this process seems to come fairly easily. If they happen to be good-looking, a star athlete, or from an affluent family, attracting females may not be overly difficult for them.
Once you exclude the minority of adolescent males listed above, that leaves the majority of teenage boys who have no clue of what it will take to get a girl to like them. It is at this point that many young men decide that maybe by being "nice," they will stand out from the other guys and might gain the approval of some member of the opposite sex. This decision is especially important if the young man has already been conditioned to believe that he is not OK just as he is.
Chapter 9
If there were no limits on your life:
Where would you live?
What would you be doing in your leisure time?
What kind of work would you be engaged in?
What would your home and surroundings look like?
As you look at the reality of your life, ask yourself two questions: First, are you creating the life you want? Second, if not, why not?
In general, the Nice Guys with whom I have worked have been intelligent, industrious, and competent individuals. While most are at least moderately successful, the majority have not lived up to their full abilities or potential. Nor have they created the kind of life they really desire.
If I were to identify one common factor at the core of every problem experienced by Nice Guys, it would be fear. Pretty much everything Nice Guys do or don't do is governed by fear. Their thoughts are funneled through fear-encrusted neurons in their brains. Their interactions are dictated by the politics of fear.
It is fear that prevents a Nice Guy from demanding the raise he has been promised.
It is fear that keeps a Nice Guy from going back to school to get the education or training he needs to pursue a truly fulfilling career.
It is fear that prevents a Nice Guy from quitting a job he despises.
It is fear that gets in the way of a Nice Guy starting the business of his dreams.
It is fear that prevents a Nice Guy from living where he really wants to live and doing what he really wants to do.
Nice Guys are afraid of making a mistake, afraid of doing it wrong, afraid of failure, afraid of losing it all. Right alongside these fears of disaster is the paradoxical fear of success. Nice Guys are typically afraid that if they are truly successful:
They will be found out to be frauds.
They won't be able to live up to people's expectations.
They will be criticized.
They won't be able to handle the increased expectations.
They will lose control over their lives.
They will do something to mess up everything.
The essence of all life is evolution and change. In order for this process to occur naturally and completely in an individual, a person has to be willing to let go of control. Letting go allows the beautiful, serendipitous chaos of creation to resonate through one's self. The result is a dynamic, fulfilling life.
Nice Guys are obsessed with trying to keep their lives smooth and uneventful. They do this by trying to "do it right" and following the "rules." Unfortunately, this life strategy is the most effective way to put a lid on any creative life energy. This lid kills their passion and prevents Nice Guys from living up to their full potential.
Consequently, Nice Guys are terrible receivers. They are terrified of asking for help. They are completely miserable when others try to give to them. They have difficulty delegating to others.
Because they believe they have to do it all themselves, Nice Guys rarely live up to their full potential. Nobody can be good at everything or succeed all on their own. Nice Guys believe they should be able to. They might be jacks-of-all-trades, but they are typically masters of none. This childhood conditioning ensures that they will never be all they can be in any area of life.
Because of their fear of success, Nice Guys are masters of self-sabotage. They undermine their success by:
Wasting time.
Making excuses.
Not finishing projects.
Caretaking other people.
Having too many projects going at once.
Getting caught up in chaotic relationships.
Procrastinating.
Not setting boundaries.
Nice Guys are typically good at looking just good enough. But to be really great — to really rise to the top — invites too much unwanted attention and scrutiny. The bright lights of success threaten to illuminate their self-perceived cracks and flaws.
Consequently, Nice Guys find many creative ways to make sure they are never too successful. If they don't start something, they won't fail. If they don't finish something, they won't be criticized. If they have too much going on at once, they won't have to do any one thing well. If they have enough good excuses, people won't expect too much of them.
This feeling of inadequacy prevents Nice Guys from making themselves visible, taking chances, or trying something new. It keeps them in the same old rut, never seeing how talented and intelligent they really are. Everyone around them can see these things, but their distorted childhood lenses won't let them accurately see their true potential and ability.
The result of this distorted self-image is an emotional and cognitive glass ceiling. This invisible lid prevents Nice Guys from being all they can be. If they do try to rise above it, they bump their heads and tumble down to more familiar territory.
Because of their deprivation thinking, Nice Guys think small. They don't believe they deserve to have good things. They find all kinds of ways to make sure their view of the world is never challenged. They settle for scraps and think it is all they deserve. They create all kinds of rationalizations to explain why they will never have what they really desire. Because of their self-fulfilling beliefs, Nice Guys rarely live up to their potential or get what they really want in life.
Exercise - Look over the list below. Choose one of the items and name a tangible fear from your life. Write down how you will confront that specific issue. Then, take a small step toward facing that fear.
Ask someone to encourage and support you. Don't try to do it alone.
Remember, no matter what happens, you will handle it.
Ask for a raise or promotion
Quit an unsatisfying job
Start your own business
Go back to school
Confront a conflict situation
Promote an idea or something you have created
Pursue a lifelong goal
Spend more time with a hobby or interest
Most folks — Nice Guys included — do not consciously take responsibility for creating the kind of life they want. Most people just accept where they are and act as if they have little power in shaping an exciting, productive, and fulfilling life.
When I talk with Nice Guys about taking charge of their lives, most have a difficult time wrapping their brain around the concept. It just doesn't fit their paradigm that they can make choices and act to make these choices a reality.
Exercise - What do you really want in life? What prevents you from making it happen? Write down three things you want to make happen in your life. Then write a personal affirmation that will take you where you want to go and post it on a sheet of paper where you can see it. Share your dreams and your affirmation with a safe person.
Exercise - How does your perfectionism or need to do it right get in the way of realizing your passion and potential? Pick one thing that you have always wanted to do: Write a book, turn your hobby into a business, move, go back to school, fully embrace a talent.
Now, ask yourself the question: If you knew ahead of time that this endeavor would be a success, would you hesitate to do it? Would this knowledge set you free from the belief that you have to do it perfectly? Would this knowledge motivate you to get started or complete what you have already begun? What risks would you be willing to take if you knew ahead of time that there was no way for you to fail?
What are you waiting for? Let go of the need to do it perfectly and just do it!”
Exercise - Do you believe your needs are important? Do you believe other people want to help you meet your needs?
On a sheet of paper, make a list of helpers you have in your life right now. These can be friends and family members. They can be professionals such as doctors, lawyers, therapists, and CPAs.
After making the list, answer the following questions:
What kind of helpers do you still need?
How can you use these helpers more effectively?
How do you prevent these people from helping you?
Start looking for opportunities to ask these people for help. Build networks. Before asking for help, repeat the affirmation: This person wants to help me get my needs met.
Nice Guys find numerous creative ways to sabotage their success in life. They waste time, they procrastinate, they start things but don't finish, they spend too much time fixing other people's problems, they distract themselves with trivial pursuits, they create chaos, they make excuses. In most situations, Nice Guys aren't victims to others, they victimize themselves.
Every Nice Guy with whom I have worked has at some point had to make a conscious decision to stop sabotaging himself. This is a crucial aspect in recovery from the Nice Guy Syndrome. In order to start getting what they want in life, work, and career, recovering Nice Guys have to make the conscious decision to get out of their own way.
One way of doing this is by changing the way they think about change. This begins with Nice Guys becoming aware of why they unconsciously create so many barriers that keep them feeling stuck. A mortgage, a wife, a lack of a degree, debt, children — are all just excuses. Making significant life changes doesn't require chucking all these things. It means seeing them for what they really are —excuses — and taking small steps in the direction one wants to be going.
Exercise - Identify how you sabotage yourself. Once you have identified your patterns, determine what you have to do differently to get what you really want. Review each item below and identify specific behaviors that will help you stop sabotaging yourself and achieve your goals.
Focus
Do it now
Accept "good enough" rather than "perfect"
Finish what you start
Don't start new projects until the old ones are completely finished Don't make excuses
Detach from other people's problems
Share your strategy with a safe person. Check in with them on a regular basis to monitor how you are doing (failing to do this part would be an effective way to sabotage yourself).
Due to their early life experiences, Nice Guys tend to be ruled by deprivation thinking. They believe there is only so much to go around, and if someone else already has a lot, there is less for them.
They tend to see the goodies as being in short supply. They hang on tightly to what they've got, fearing there won't be more when it is gone. They believe they have to control and manipulate to ensure that what little is out there won't go away. They play it safe, not trusting that their needs will always be abundantly met.
Exercise - Set this ebook down for a few moments and close your eyes. Take a couple of deep breaths and exhale slowly. Clear your mind.
Once you are relaxed, picture yourself living in an abundant world. In this abundant world, there are no restraints or limitations. Good things flow past you continuously. Imagine every abundant thing you have ever desired — car, home, friends, love, joy, wealth, success, peace of mind, challenge. Visualize yourself living your life surrounded by this abundance. Repeat this visualization several times a day until it begins to feel real to you. Open your arms, your heart, and your mind. Get out of the way, and let it happen.
Rules to live by -
1. If it frightens you, do it.
2. Don't settle. Every time you settle, you get exactly what you settled for.
3. Put yourself first.
4. No matter what happens, you will handle it.
5. Whatever you do, do it 100%.
6. If you do what you have always done, you will get what you have always got.
7. You are the only person on this planet responsible for your needs, wants, and happiness.
8. Ask for what you want.
9. If what you are doing isn't working, try something different.
10. Be clear and direct.
11. Learn to say "no."
12. Don't make excuses.
13. If you are an adult, you are old enough to make your own rules.
14. Let people help you.
15. Be honest with yourself.
16. Do not let anyone treat you badly. No one. Ever.
17. Remove yourself from a bad situation instead of waiting for the situation to change.
18. Don't tolerate the intolerable — ever.
19. Stop blaming. Victims never succeed.
20. Live with integrity. Decide what feels right to you, then do it.
21. Accept the consequences of your actions.
22. Be good to yourself.
23. Think "abundance."
24. Face difficult situations and conflict head on.
25. Don't do anything in secret.
26. Do it now.
27. Be willing to let go of what you have so you can get what you want.
28. Have fun. If you are not having fun, something is wrong.
29. Give yourself room to fail. There are no mistakes, only learning experiences.
30. Control is an illusion. Let go; let life happen.