Preface
“As an adult, it has probably been harder to find the right career and relationships and generally to feel self-worth and self-confidence.”
Chapter 1:
“Mostly you notice that you seem unable to tolerate as much as other people.”
“FACT 1: Everyone, HSP or not, feels best when neither too bored nor too aroused.”
“FACT 2: People differ considerably in how much their nervous system is aroused in the same situation, under the same stimulation.”
“This greater awareness of the subtle tends to make you more intuitive, which simply means picking up and working through information in a semiconscious or unconscious way. The result is that you often “just know” without realizing how.”
“Furthermore, this deeper processing of subtle details causes you to consider the past or future more. You “just know” how things got to be the way they are or how they are going to turn out.”
“It is important not to confuse arousal with fear. Fear creates arousal, but so do many other emotions, including joy, curiosity, or anger. But we can also be overaroused by semiconscious thoughts or low levels of excitement that create no obvious emotion.”
“Our deeper processing may make it seem that at first we are not catching on, but with time we understand and remember more than others.”
“Sometimes people with our trait are said to be less happy or less capable of happiness. Of course, we can seem unhappy and moody, at least to non-HSPs, because we spend so much time thinking about things like the meaning of life and death and how complicated everything is—not black-and-white thoughts at all.”
“He has deep emotions that can lead to occasional depression, but he explores and resolves his feelings. He knows he takes things too hard but tries to allow for that.”
“When matters at work overwhelm him, he leaves as soon as he is not needed and “walks it out” or plays the piano. He deliberately avoided a business career because of his sensitivity. ”
“You were born to be among the advisors and thinkers, the spiritual and moral leaders of your society. There is every reason for pride.”
Chapter 2:
Chapter 5: Social Relationships
"And worry makes us overaroused, our special Achilles heel."
“So your task in life is much harder: to know about those glances, those silent judgments, and still not let them affect you too much. It’s not easy.”
“Shyness is the fear others are not going to like or approve of us.”
“It misses the real you, your sensitivity to subtlety and your difficulty with overarousal. ”
“When they see that you look overaroused, they do not realize that it could be due to too much stimulation. They think you must be afraid of being rejected. You’re shy. You fear rejection. Why else would you not be socializing?”
“Remember this experiment the next time you feel overaroused in a social situation. Your heart may be pounding for any number of reasons having nothing to do with the people you are with. There may be too much noise, or you may be worrying about something else you are only half aware of that has nothing to do with the person you are with. So go ahead, ignore the other causes (if you can), and have a good time.”
“Five Ways to Handle Overarousal in Social Situations
1. Remember that overarousal is not necessarily fear.
2. Find other HSPs to talk to, one on one.
3. Use your arousal-reducing skills.
4. Develop a good “persona” and consciously use it.
5. Explain your trait to others.”
“Take breaks. Go for a walk. Breathe deeply. Move in some way. Consider your options. Maybe it’s time to go. Maybe there’s a better place to position yourself, by an open window, an aisle, or the door. Think in terms of containers—who or what quiet, familiar presence could hold you right now?”
“Introverts prefer close relationships for many reasons. Intimates can understand and support each other best. A good friend or partner can also upset you more, but that forces inner growth, which is often a high priority for HSPs. And, given your intuition, you probably like to talk about complicated things like philosophy, feelings, and struggles. That is hard to do with a stranger or at a party. Finally, introverts possess traits that can make them good at close relationships; with intimates they can experience social success.”
“She was always aware of having a greater sensitivity to sound and confusion than her friends. In her thirties, when I interviewed her, she was extremely capable in her profession, which involved organizing major events from behind the scenes. But she stood no chance of advancing because of her terror of public speaking and of people in general, which kept her from managing anything but the smallest team of coworkers.”
“Remembering names. You may forget a person’s name because you were distracted and overaroused when you both first met. If you hear a name, try to make it a habit of using it in your next sentence. “Arnold, how nice to meet you.” Then use it again within two minutes. Thinking back afterward about who you met might make it stick even longer. But trouble with names just goes with the territory.”
“Selling. Frankly, it’s not a usual HSP career. But even if you do not sell a commercial product, there are many times in life when we want to sell an idea, ourselves for a job, or maybe our creative work. And what if you believe something could truly help a person or the world at large? In its gentlest form, yours probably, selling is simply sharing with others what you know about something. Once they understand what you think is its value, you can let them make up their own mind.
When money is to be exchanged, HSPs often feel guilty that they’re taking “so much” or anything at all. (And if we feel flawed, “What am I really worth, anyway?”) Usually we cannot and should not give ourselves or our products away. We need money to continue to make available what we’re offering. People understand that, just as you do when you purchase something.
Making a complaint. This can be difficult for an HSP even if it’s legitimate. But it is worth practicing; the assertiveness is empowering for those who often feel put down just for being who they are (too young, too old, too fat, too dark[…]”
Chapter 6: Thriving at work
“since we don’t thrive on long hours, stress, and overstimulating work environments”
“But it is a very recent idea that there is one right job for each person. (It came at about the time of another idea, that there is one right person for each of us to marry.) At the same time, the number of possible vocations has increased greatly, as has the importance and difficulty of matching the right person to the right job.”
“Speaking now of vocation, I don’t mean that all HSPs become scholars, theologians, psychotherapists, consultant, or judges, although these are classic royal-advisor-class careers. Whatever our career, we are likely to pursue it less like a warrior, more like a priest or royal counselor—thoughtfully, in all senses.”
“He always made it clear that he didn’t mean doing whatever is easy or fun at the moment; he meant engaging in work that feels right, that calls you. To have such work (and if we are very fortunate, to be paid for it, too) is one of life’s greatest blessings.”
“Individuation is, above all, about being able to hear your inner voice or voices through all the inner and outer noise.”
“Some of us get caught up in demands from others. These may be real responsibilities or may be the common ideas of what makes for success—money, prestige, security. Then there are the pressures others can bring to bear on us because we are so unwilling to displease anyone.”
“Being so eager to please, we’re not easy to liberate. ”
“We’re too aware of what others need. Yet our intuition also picks up on the inner question that must be answered. These two strong, conflicting currents may buffet us for years. Don’t worry if your progress toward liberation is slow, for it’s almost inevitable.”
“Some of you may be struggling with discovering your vocation and feeling a little frustrated that your intuition is not helping you more. Alas, intuition can also stand in your way because it makes you aware of too many inner voices speaking for too many different possibilities. Yes, it would be desirable just to serve others, thinking little of my material gain. But that rules out a lifestyle with time to pursue the finer things in life. And both exclude the actualizing of my artistic gifts. And I have always admired the quiet life, centered in family. Or should it be centered in the spiritual? But that is so up in the air when I admire a life close to the earth. Perhaps I would be happiest working for ecological causes. But then, the needs of humans are so great.”
“All the voices are strong. Which one is right? If you’re flooded with such voices, you will probably have trouble with decisions of all sorts; very intuitive people usually do. But you’ll need to develop your decision-making skills for whatever voca-. tion you choose. So start now paring down the choices to two or three. Maybe make a rational list of the pros and cons. Or pretend you have made up your mind definitely one way and live with that for a day or two.”
“Another problem for HSPs who are very intuitive and/or introverted is that we may not be well informed about the facts. We let our hunches guide us. We don’t like to ask. But gathering concrete information from real people is part of the individuation process for introverted or intuitive people especially.”
“If you feel you “just cannot,” you are revealing the third obstacle to knowing your vocation: low self-confidence. Deep inside you probably know what you really want to do.”
“You say you’re afraid of failing. Which inner voice says that? A wise one that protects you? Or a critical one that paralyzes you? For the sake of getting going, assume the voice is right and you’ll fail. Forget about the people who tried and succeeded, the theme of so many movies. I know people who have tried and failed. Many of them. They may be out megabucks and megatime, but they’re still happier for having tried. Now they’re moving on to other goals, wiser for what they learned about themselves and the world. And really, since no effort amounts to a total failure, they’re much more confident about themselves than when they were sitting on the sidelines.”
“Finally, in finding your vocation, do use the excellent books and services on vocational choice. Just keep your sensitivity always in your awareness as an important factor which most vocational counselors don’t address.”
“Self-employment (or being granted full autonomy within a larger organization) is a logical route for HSPs. You control the hours, the stimulation, the kinds of people you will deal with, and there are no hassles with supervisors or coworkers. And, unlike many small or first-time entrepreneurs, you will probably be conscientious about research and planning before you take any risks.”
“You will have to watch, however, for certain tendencies. If you are a typical HSP, you can be a worry-prone perfectionist. You may be the most hard-driving manager you have ever worked for. You also may have to overcome a certain lack of focus. If your creativity and intuition give you a million ideas, at some point, early, you will have to let most of them go, and you will have to make all kinds of difficult decisions.”
“HSPs tend to be enormously aware of the suffering of others. Often their intuition gives them a clearer picture of what needs to be done. Thus, many HSPs choose vocations of service. And many “burn out.”
“A third aspect of giftedness, emotional sensitivity, can draw you into others’ complicated private lives. In the workplace especially this is not a good idea. You want to have some professional boundaries. Especially at work, you need to spend more time with the less sensitive, who can be a great balance to you, and you to them. Develop outside of work the more intense sorts of relationships that offer you the emotional depth you seek.”
“One solution to all of this is not to insist that your gifts all be expressed at work. Express yourself through private projects and art, schemes for future or parallel self-employment, and through life itself.”
“Training situations can be very overarousing because you tend to perform worse when being observed or when overaroused in any other way—for example, being given too much information at once, having too many people around talking or straining to learn, imagining all the dire consequences of failing to remember something.”
“Do you wish others would notice your value without your having to remind them? That is a common desire stemming from childhood that is seldom fulfilled in this world.”
“It is hard to face all the things we’re not going to get to do in this lifetime.”
Chapter 7:
“No matter how introverted, you are a social being. You cannot escape your need and spontaneous desire to connect with others even if your conflicting urge to protect yourself is very strong. Fortunately, once you have been out there a bit and in love a few times, you will realize that no one is that perfect. As they say, there are always other fish in the sea. The best protection against falling in love too intensely is being more in the world, not less. Once you reach a balance, you may even find that certain people actually help you stay calm and secure. So since you are going to be soaked someday, anyway, you might as well dive in with the rest of us now.”
“Another way to fall in love hard is to project one’s spiritual yearnings onto another person. Again, mistaking your human beloved for a divine beloved would be corrected if you could live with that person for a while. But when we cannot, the projection can be surprisingly persistent.
The source of such love has to be something pretty big, and I think it is. As Jungians would put it, we each possess an inner helpmate who is meant to lead us to the deepest inner realms. But we may not know that inner helpmate very well, or more often, we mistakenly project him or her onto others in our desperate desire to find that one we need so much. We want that helpmate to be real, and of course, while things can be very real that are entirely inner, that is an idea that can be hard to learn.”
“Jungian tradition holds that for a man this inner helpmate is usually a feminine soul or anima figure and for a woman it is usually a masculine spiritual guide or animus. So when we fall in love, we are often really falling in love with that inner anima or animus who will take us where we long to go, to paradise.”
“Anyone who really wants an adult with a child’s needs (e.g., a need to never have the other out of sight) has something unresolved going on from the past, too.”