If you have done something repetitively or been in a certain way for a long time, it becomes a part of your identity. Identity isn’t just what we do. An identity is who we are. Being funny, being social, being good at studies, being punctual, being laid-back, being stylish, working in a specific company, and being in a relationship with someone are all examples of identities. We are a collection of many such identities and derive a lot of rewards from them -- either intrinsic (the sheer joy of doing the task) or extrinsic (praise, recognition, status, money, etc.)
With time these identities become deeply ingrained and thus difficult to give up. A loss of identity happens primarily by two means -- deliberate (you try to get change an identity) or accidental (you are stripped off of the identity e.g., loss of a job or relationship).
Why would we want to change our identity deliberately?
Because the old identity no longer serves its purpose. It might have been helpful to you in the past, but now it’s out-of-date.
We may have moved from one phase of life to another, such as graduating college, changing jobs, changing cities, getting married, etc., but some out-of-date identities from the previous phase are still lingering.
In college, I got into the habit of postponing things and doing them near the deadline. Not only did I like the rush, but I also took pride in the fact that I was able to finish the work even if I started so late. I had the same attitude towards exams, waiting till a day before the exam to start studying. I ingrained that putting last-minute effort and doing things was an okay way of living. However, post-college this has led to a lot of stress and missed opportunities. I’ve realized that preparing for things well in advance reduces unnecessary stress substantially. The identity from college is no longer helpful. Being proactive makes life more manageable now.
Giving up identity centered around the task is more painful than giving up the task itself.
I am always surprised seeing people reinvent themselves -- quitting an excellent career to try something else, changing cities and starting from scratch, changing a significant aspect of their personality, etc. In the process, they must have gone through a phase of a complete makeover of their identity.
When is this deliberate change of identity difficult?
Identity will be difficult to give up if the rewards you are receiving for that identity are a lot. The rewards could be intrinsic or extrinsic. If you have spent some years in one career, it provides you with many extrinsic rewards in the form of a higher salary, respect from peers, more power and responsibility, etc. And to make the change, you have to come to terms with being stripped of the extrinsic rewards since you’ll start from the bottom. The same can be said about personality traits. If you have always been funny in groups and want to change that, you’ll have to give up on the attention and joy you get from making others laugh.
How to deal with a loss of identity, deliberate or accidental?
Loss of identity is a serious loss in life, and no wonder it’s often referred to as a crisis (identity crisis, mid-life crisis, etc.). Quitting a job, relationship, or even a hobby creates a hollowness in our life. Things you have achieved, the memories you have made, and the time you have invested all feel pointless. What to do in this case? I don’t know, but I can offer consolation.
There must be something that stays with you even when you lose a part of your identity. Something that is more “core” about our identities and that can transfer to the next thing. I feel like those are your qualities and values. Your achievements can be taken away from you, but what remains are the qualities that made you achieve them -- hard work or perseverance. They will stay with you. You may drift apart from your friends or lose relationships, but what remains is your quality to form good relations. That will get carried forward to your next phase of life.
Supplementary Articles To Read -
https://www.lesswrong.com/posts/D4hHASaZuLCW92gMy/is-success-the-enemy-of-freedom-full
https://markmanson.net/four-stages-of-life