Twelfth Kind of Loneliness

Mar 15th, 2024

fiction

(source - instagram)

The phone rings. It is Vaishnavi calling back. “Hey Vaish, were you asleep?”, asked Arjun apologetically knowing he might have woken her up. Vaishnavi’s voice, groggy with sleep, came through the received, “Hey, hi,” she mumbled. “It’s okay”

“I came back from meeting my friend about an hour ago and I’ve been feeling unsettled since then” replied Arjun with a sombre tone.

“You two were wingsmates in college na?” Vaishnavi inquired, trying to keep the conversation flowing although she knew the answer. She had heard about this friend a lot already from Arjun.

“Yes, we were” Arjun confirmed. “We used to have deep conversations about philosophy and life but lately we haven’t been in touch as much I’d like”

“What did you two talk about today?” asked Vaishnavi.

“Just the usual stuff, you know? Jobs, what our other friends are up to,” Arjun replied, his voice tinged with sadness. “But it felt…different. More formal, somehow.”

“Formal? Did you feel a distance with him?”, Vaishnavi asked, trying to understand.

“Yeah, you can say that”, Arjun admitted. “You know when you have to give plenty of context to someone for them to understand your point? It was like that.”

“But it’s only been a year,” Vaishnavi pointed out. “That’s not a long time to feel so disconnected.”

“I have a version of this friend in my head formed over the years of our friendship and suddenly today I felt that the version is outdated” said Arjun. “He no longers thinks about life the same way as before and I am having a tough time collating their present self with the self in my mind” he continued.

“That’s true Arjun, plus twenties is an age like that too”, consoled Vaishnavi, “People change and that change is also very non-linear. Few events can drastically alter someone’s views. And I suppose until you talk about those subtle incidents or events, you wouldn’t be able to converge to his way of looking at the World. So much happens to a person on the inside you won’t know in one day.” she expanded.

“Have you heard of Richard Yates?” Arjun asked suddenly, changing the subject.

“No, this is the first time you’ve mentioned him,” Vaishnavi replied, curious.

“He wrote a book called Eleven Kinds of Loneliness,” Arjun explained. “I’ll get you a copy when we go to the bookstore next.”

Vaishnavi chuckled. “Sounds like a cheerful read,” she remarked sarcastically.

Arjun grinned. “Yeah, well, I think there’s a 12th kind of loneliness,” he said. “It’s the loneliness in the relationships where you talk infrequently. And in those once a month or once every three month catch-up’s you don’t get the time or the strength to tell someone what all happened since the last time you guys talked. However much you try to hold on to the closeness that was once there, deep down you know that you would continue to drift apart. The rate at which things happen in your life will far exceed the rate at which you would communicate and both of you would continue missing important incidents of each others life”

“Plus college also makes you feel that way Arjun”, said Vaishnavi expanding on the theme. “In college, everyone’s life looks very alike. There is more us and there is less I in college. Everyone is in this together and it’s a very comforting blanket to be in but it slowly disappears as we grow older.”

“You know it better than anyone how a few decisions is all it takes for life to become contrasting to someone else. You had tens of friends living identical lives at your first job, and now they have all gone different routes. A few more years in and you would find that the only person living your life will be you and that is a lonely feeling indeed.” Vaishnavi sighed.

“Vaishnavi, I fear that with you too. Now that we’re living away from each other, I worry that we’ll drift apart. I don’t want to miss out on the little things that happen in your day,” Arjun confessed.

“No, we won’t, yaar,” Vaishnavi reassured him. “And besides, nothing really happens in my life, as you know, Arjun. I’m very boring. Now go to sleep, you dumbo,” she teased affectionately, lightening the mood.