What I’ve learned from talking to so many victims of traumatic events, abuse, or neglect is that after absorbing these painful experiences, the child begins to ache. A deep longing to feel needed, validated, and valued begins to take hold. As these children grow, they lack the ability to set a standard for what they deserve. And if that lack is not addressed, what often follows is a complicated, frustrating pattern of self-sabotage, violence, promiscuity, or addiction.
If a child experiences abuse, their brain may make an association between the features of the abuser or the circumstances of the abuse—hair color, tone of voice, the music playing in the background—and a sense of fear. The complex and confusing associations can influence behaviors for years; later in life, for example, being served in a restaurant by a brown-haired man who hovers over you while he takes your order may elicit a panic attack.
But as I have learned from Dr. Perry, remaining in a constant state of high alert can have devastating effects on your overall physical and emotional health. The correlation between long-term stress and conditions like anxiety, depression, stroke, heart disease, and diabetes is real.
One of the most important areas is the way we connect with others. Developmental trauma can disrupt our ability to form and maintain relationships. Whenever trauma or neglect takes place in the context of our caregiving relationships, there’s a high risk that the neural networks involved in reading and responding to other people will be altered. When these “attachment” capabilities are impaired, there will be difficulties with friendships, school, employment, intimacy, and family; there is even risk for repeating transgenerational patterns of abuse.