I often find myself ruminating on the past, in particular, on my interaction with others. Most times I am not even making a conscious choice to do so, to recall and repeat the conversations. There are always some remarks you can’t move past. They pop up every now and then and have a drastic effect on your mood. A day can easily turn bad with a small hint or trigger which brings in a train of catastrophic self-critical thoughts. I can’t figure out this small thing by myself, I can’t do this, I can’t do that etc. These remarks needn’t be verbal. It could be a dismissive tone of voice, a perceived look-down or simply an ignorance towards you.
But what kind of remarks or embarrassment hurt us the most? Stay with us the longest? I believe that they are the ones that make you feel helpless. When do you feel helpless? When the thing being talked about has a power over you and you are struggling with it. If you have struggled with losing weight and someone calls you on your weight it would give you a very hard time. The same remark for a person who has not struggled with weight won’t be affected by this remark (perhaps he/she has gained weight but knows that he/she can take control over his/her eating habits). They would forget it soon too.
These are also the remarks that mirror your inner critic. The reason it hurts is because YOU BELIEVE THEM TO BE TRUE. Somewhere within a part of you believes that and it is cruel that others have noticed it let alone call you out for it. These are the thoughts you have already internalised being echoed to you from outside. That is where the helplessness stems from.
In stand up comedy it is called punch-up and punch-down jokes. You’re allowed to do a joke which is punch-up i.e a joke about person who is better off than you for that context e.g making fun of a rich person for bad financial decision or about taxes. A punch-down joke would be making fun of a poor person for his way of living. It’s not that punch-up jokes don’t hurt the targeted person’s sentiment or feelings. They most certainly do. Regardless of how privileged you are, a criticism (especially an exaggerated one in comedy) would definitely make you feel embarrassed, sad, angry or indignant. It’s only human to feel that way. However the one thing it wouldn’t make you feel is hopeless and helpless about your situation.